Hey all. I just really need to type this rant out, so if I tend to irritate you, just take a pause and don't read this. (I am honestly trying to be less irritating) The last thing I want to do is frustrate anyone.

Had a tiff with mother on Sunday which resulted in a plethora of phone calls from siblings. I finally set my phone to stun yesterday afternoon and only answered calls from H and kids. The issue with my mom is that she won't tell me she is pissed at me, its a passive aggressive round-about way of letting me know she's upset. Sighs, abruptness, silent treatment...etc. I have yet to figure out why she's angry. (she told my sibs that I was angry with her).

We purchased a new throw rug late last week and I have been ill ever since. I didn't realize until Monday that it was the carpet fumes making me sick. Of course no one believes the carpet is making me ill.

I saw my oncologist at the Breast Cancer center for a follow-up that was actually supposed to be done back in April, but my anxiety kept me from getting there. She went into a half hour rant about my weight. The nurse had misweighed me and written down an weight that was 75lbs more then what I am. After I figured out why the doc was ranting I asked to be re-weighed and she corrected it. I am about 35-40 lbs overweight, so I deserved the lecture...but it really made me feel fat and ugly. She also made a comment that my reconstructed breasts were "huge" which was devastating. (I hated my body before the breast cancer, I loathe it now)

Then I saw T yesterday, and he suggested I go back on meds. WTF? After everything I have been thru to get off of them (which he knows) why the hell would he even go there? Frustrating. I know I need to switch t's, but when I write a pro and con list the pro side is much longer. I think this particular subject is a deal breaker though. The thought of starting over is just too much, so I am going back to plan A, and that is no t.

I am in a crappy state. I start a residential program next week (I hope) and I will go from there. But right now, this sux. I am feeling really lost and alone.