Im so sorry lou, i know how hard this can be. I dont know if we will ever know all the whys. Be gentle with yourself, try to write a journal maybe and leave it in the journal, you can vent as much as you want in there and when youre done writing, push it from your mind until you see t.

Wish i knew how to fix this for you, but i cant even fix myself. Things will get better, just hang in there