I gave into my team. I shed tears, but I acted like I enjoyed what they were doing to me and they smiled. They had their way. I had to keep "rubbing my eyes from allergies" when really I was wiping away tears. I can't keep fighting. I don't know what else to do. Then to manipulate them and play them like a fine harp. I tried to go about it the honest way. I really did. But I fought and fought. For the last year now. So now I'm playing them and it feels so dirty to me. It makes me want to cry. I did cry. It reminds me of being a child and having to manipulate adults so that I wouldn't end up being harmed more. It makes me sick inside. It reminds me of being in that cult again and having to manipulate them so they won't keep hurting me. And just like always before it's because there is no other way out of the abuse. Because I was a child. Because I have a mental illness. They smiled and cheered and I nervously spoke about how wonderful I thought their plans were. I can't fight them anymore. They won't listen to me anyway. I tried just shutting up, but they kept fighting me. So in order to get out I have to lie and cheat and manipulate. I feel so dirty. So, so dirty.