Honestly the worst thing for me is how my mind regurgitates events and magnifies the shame I feel for things I have done or said. I hold on to the shame instead of letting things go. Shame is my punishment for being imperfect and in my head I deserve to be punished and will let it beat on me for hours at a time. It gets stuck spinning its reminders of shameful moments locked in my head. Some days I wonder if I have any memories that don't involve me feeling shamed. I have a very hard time finding any of those memories in the mix. I have let shame cloud them over.

There are things I have done that even the average person would have a hard time shaking off or forgiving oneself for but those are not nearly as numerous as my thinking would have me believe. The shame that is most deadly is the shame that the average person would have laughed off or brushed off as embarrassing perhaps but not shameful to the point of being sickened by it.

As always it comes down to the question of balance. My brain requires daily, sometimes hourly attention to balance its thinking. The average brain can balance itself.

I can shame myself very quickly. Most every memory in my head centres around feeling of shame. I can find a shame-worthy moments in every word I speak and every action I take. I am always looking back and analyzing what I did wrong and what I should have done instead. I am always stopping myself from engaging simply to prevent the possibility of another shameful moment.

There are things I have done that I should feel some shame about because people were hurt by my actions. There have been things I have had to go back and fix and to humbly ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness I struggle to give to myself.

There are far more things I feel shame for that don't deserve a second thought because they were just not that big a deal. My mind seem to not be able to distinguish the difference however and I will punish myself with shame for the most minor of offenses.

Shame is a terrible thing. My inability till now to process feelings of shame has me paralyzed in my isolation. I seldom associate with anyone other than my son who lives with me. It is because of shame that I keep myself away from the world. Any engagement becomes fuel to feed the shame machine in my head. The less I engage the fewer chances I can do anything or say anything I will regret or feel shame about later. If I have no conversations to replay then I have no conversations to feel ashamed about.