oh and I have been thinking-- what was i really asking on this thread..

I know i myself was confused, i think it was guilt and no so much suicide attempts.-- a difference with guilt... Only I can answer that and yes there was a difference of guilt but similarities as well--

I had guilt with my friend's suicide as in -- if i stuck around maybe he would still be here..... I know that is illogical to think, and after years (this year I did a lot better) but accepting that he had issues and that I could not save him or fix his issues....

The guilt with my mom and brother with this all--- all is so much deeper and twisted with what was mentioned in the PTSD and Open Eyes mentions here-- partially changing old habits, learning new ways and with the others putting things on that should not be...