Question, you say "aspie" but is it possibly more of "classic" autism?

Iam not a parent, so I can't give you any sound advice. But what I will say is first I feel for your situation, as a child (Im only 20yrs0 I have had severe behavior and social problems, but being it in the 90's no one though much of it even my school (I was an angel in school though), they seen it as my vision impairment or I was a "brat". Nothing as (I don't know how to say this right), but not as severe as your daughter's behavior, but my Mom just could not control me no matter what she did, groundings, time-outs, rewards, yes spankings a lot of them (not abuse) etc.

But she never and still hasn't given up on me is what Iam trying to say, you are NOT a bad parent, it seems as you are doing your very best to keep your daughter out of harm and teach her to exhibit proper behaviors.

And it is B.S that no-one can help you, there are resources out there, but don't give up she is only 4yrs old. I have faith in you, hugs