Quote:
Originally Posted by Allein
Here's a comparison for the way I see this situation...
By not e-mailing your T you are adding another building block to your foundation so that at some point in the future you can stand on your own. Building that foundation can be a difficult process, but the more you add another block, the stronger that foundation will become.
By not letting it be about her, maybe she is trying to help you foster independence.
As for the "freezing" thing that you are talking about, I'm not sure if it's dissociating because you don't give much detail about the occurrence, but it's probably in response to the emotions that are coming up. When strong feelings surface, people react in different ways. In your case, the moment where you "freeze" is probably your way of coping with those emotions. It might be your way of trying to block them or relieve yourself from the uncomfortable feelings. Because for many of us, it is very scary to sit with and be with our emotions in the present. And as a result, we go by any means to get rid of them or run away from them when sometimes what we really need to do is recognize that they are there. Sometimes it's helpful to ask ourselves a few questions: What am I feeling- does it have a name? Or does it have a word that can accurately describe it? What may have led me to feel this way? How can I go about dealing with these feelings in a healthy way?
Here's my take on the difference between needing and wanting. When we want something, that something is a luxury. When we need something, that something is a necessity for our survival. We can live without our wants. We typically can't live without our needs. We may be unhappy if we don't get what we want, but we're not going to die as a result. Does that make sense?
The uncomfortable feelings are tagging along for the ride, but you are making progress on your journey! Keep that chin up!  |
Thank you very much, Allein. Everything you wrote makes a lot of sense to me. I feel better than I did yesterday.
My T has always wanted me to be happier in my RL. When I think about that, I feel stronger and can cope better.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions
I'd imagine that part of you is recognizing the loss...which is very difficult to face and allow to sink in. (( HUGS ))
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Yes, it's a loss that I haven't wanted to face for years, and it's hard. Thank you for posting.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Luce
I disagree with the assumption that your need for connection with T is a 'want' rather than a 'need'. I fully believe that you experience it as an all consuming need. From what I can see it seems like it is your primary defence (way to soothe your emotions) against pain. Focusing on your relationship with T is a great way to avoid exploring the ton of issues you are burying about your relationship with your mom. And I do believe you experience it as an all-pervading need - I believe all your mom stuff is simple that unbearable.
One comment you made had me thinking. You said 'I didn't want to tell her I was sad because I wanted her closer to me."
Rhetorical questions for you (as in you don't have to answer here, but just think about them for yourself):
Do you feel that T will somehow 'move away' from you if you experience 'negative' emotions?
How did your mom react when you were sad or angry? Did she support you? Soothe you? Emotionally abandon you? Ignore you?
Who soothed you as a child? How?
If you do believe T will 'move away' from you if you feel sadness etc, does this impact on your ability to express feelings in therapy?
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I want to clarify what I wrote about feeling sad. I'm not afraid to feel sad with my T. I didn't want to tell her that I suddenly felt sad BECAUSE I wanted her to sit close to me and hold my hand. I felt embarrassed that those needy feelings were still so important to me, that I wanted to go there in spite of wanting to change. Your questions are good ones. I don't remember letting my parents see me when I was sad, or getting soothed at all. I remember being affectionate with my Mom, but not crying with her. When I was angry when my brother used to hit me, and tease me, they punished him. When I was 6 and my cousins did something semi-abusive, I didn't tell my parents. I just don't remember feeling sad with my Mom or Dad until I graduated college and cried in the car because I broke up with my boyfriend.
Quote:
Originally Posted by farmergirl
Experiencing/perceiving the desire for connection with her T as a need doesn't make it a need though. Needs are about survival: food, shelter, water, etc. If our needs are not taken care of, our actual survival is threatened. Rainbow, you may feel like you cannot survive without a connection to your T, but that is not the reality. The reality is that your T is actually already there; it just feels different to you right now. You are experiencing an emotion in response to perceiving a change in your interactions with your T, but you can certainly live through feeling that longing learn to recognize that she hasn't gone anywhere except in your mind.
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Yes, my T IS there for me. You're right. It feels like a need but I'm doing okay with less of her. I still have the connection with her. Maybe that's what she meant when she said "I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere.