1. that may be expended or used up
2. not essential; not worth preserving
3. able to be sacrificed to achieve an objective, esp a military one

my favorite is the 3rd one.this is who i am to my family.this is my roll

as my T was i think trying to get me to engage with her by talking about fairies it came to me.

the word of the week is expendable and this is what i told her that i am expendable to everyone

i told her about what was going on with my aunt as best i could although i think it was a complete jumbles mess but i did my best. she tried so hard to figure out what was going on. i am going to try the best i can to remember what she said and to understand it .i am finding it very confusing and not sure what i am supose to get from it all.i wish i could remember her words but i can't really.

i was surprised that i was finely able to say how i was feeling.to put a word to it EXPENDABLE.that i am just a means to an end for all these people and always have been.

we talked about how important having a family was to me and how i feel so alone.she told me i had my husband and son.i don't know why but that just made me feel even more lonely.she just couldn't understand or in reality i guess i couldn't

all i know is that this upset me so so much but i think i am being told i shouldn't be.i don't understand why.my T was realy trying to explain to me that i don't need to respond to them.she wanted to know what that would do for me.she asked me what i wanted and i said to feel better. i was hoping she would tell me how but she didn't .isn't that what she is supose to do.

she said that everyone in my family were very disterbed and desprite people that noone ever gave me any kind of stability at all. ok good information but should i do with it it didn't make me feel better it just made me feel horrible.i am lost here and doon't know what she wan't me to feel because what i am feeling is wrong. i think she said i dont need to have them making me miserable so i can choose to not have a family or be miserable and have a family.I'm confused.everything was all over the place for me.i don't know if i accomplished anything at all but to confuse myself more.

good things i think
i actually was able to put a word to something very important to me.and my T accepted this word as truth.
once again she has put words to a behavior of my family and i am relay trying to hear them.
i told T about something that is going on with me,and actually want to TALK more about it

this is it for now there was so much more she said but it is jumbled right now behind my great wall of resistance i hope it is OK if i write more as i remember here and there she said we can talk more about this.i want to write her a letter about some of it .i hope she will read it if i can't