I am struggling to understand. It is true that he does not really validate me. I don't even really much look for that from him. What does upset me is not so much the lack of validation, as the "back handed" stuff, as you call it. He does kind of "play" me, and it is kind of a head game, at times. He pushes buttons. It's like a passive-aggressive thing. He is not controlling or mean. He acts the way little kids do when they want to annoy their mothers.

Once, when we were traveling by car, through several states, he got all upset because he thought we were lost. I was driving and I was slightly lost, but I knew I would figure it out. He got so upset, thinking we were lost, that he started escalating and distracting me so bad that I couldn't drive. I pulled over and said he would have to sit in the back seat. That calmed him down and I was able to concentrate. After a while, he said he would act better.

I'm sure I sound like an awful person in what I just described. You would have to have been in that car to understand. It was exactly like having a fussing 3 year old, or an unruly puppy, in the front seat. I knew he'ld calm down in the back seat . . . and he did. Later, when we got to our destination, he was so grateful to me for figuring out how to get there. In some ways, he is more insecure than I am. He becomes practically hysterical, if he gets confused. That's why I drive.

I think he and I both have a kind of Prolonged Stress Disorder, Non-traumatic. His came from being given away as a small child and then taken back, after he got attached to his temporary home. On the other hand, I had very responsible parents, who I knew would never give me away, but they were very strict. I had to walk on eggshells around my folks. It made me kind of uptight. It sounds like he came from a home that did not have enough rules, and I came from one that had too many. He did truly crazy things as a boy, and his folks bailed him out, where mine would have expected better of me.

I think part of what it boils down to is that I don't feel like I get enough adult companionship from him. At times, though, he is a delight. We've been a couple many years, now. During about half of those years, he drank heavily. During the second half of the time period, he has been limited by serious medical conditions. So, it's like I've had unrelenting responsibility, due to something always being wrong with him. I find that I silently compare him with my father, who was super responsible. Then, again, I did look for a man who would be NOT like my father. I wanted someone who would not be dictatorial like my father was. I sure got it. He can't seem to control me, or himself. Now, I'm the one who acts like my father, when it seems like someone has to take charge. Again, that's why I don't live with him. I don't really want to have to be in charge of anyone.