I have always had a feeling from the time I was little that I was different. I have always cried over everything, and anything negative seems to be the end of the world. I have a huge heart and try not to hurt anyone. I was teased alot when I was younger for being overweight. I would hurt myself the night before school just so I would get to stay home. I have had a few unsuccessful suicide attempts and I have battled addiction my entire life. I feel like I can get addicted to anything. I have been addicted to pills, marijuana, vicks nose inhalers, lifesavers mints, and just about anything else you can imagine. I always feel like something is missing. I think about my parents dying constantly. I have dogs that I love dearly, but most days I hate having them because I know they are going to die. I call my dogs my best friends. I can make friends easily, but in the back of my mind I don't like anyone. I feel like I have a different face for everyone I meet. I feel like I can figure anyone out and everyone seems to have a character flaw to me. All those feelings are private though, I would never want to hurt anyone's feelings. I have cut myself in the past and I have been guilty of doing this to get attention when my girlfriend and I fight. I have had numerous jobs and switched my college major many times. I am currently studying psychology. I feel like I really understand it. In the past if someone was to get mad at me I feel like they hate me. I feel like for whatever reason they are mad about, even if they forgive me, they will always see that flaw in me. I have a hard time letting go of things that hurt me and when I feel threatened I will use that against the person. Sometimes I feel like I am not real and I was put on this earth to suffer. To take hurt and pain so other people will not have to endure it. I have had the same partner for 8 years. She tries to be supportive but she just doesn't understand. I cant always tell her whats wrong because I don't know. She will tell me that I have to be crying for a reason and I cant give her one. I feel like I am dragging her down and one day she is going to leave me if I don't stop. I know that she haqsn't yet but it still scares me. I will sit and think about my parents dying and all the things we have done together. I will cry my eyes out. I don't feel like anyone truly knows me. Even my partner who I think knows me the best doesn't. I am afraid that if people really knew me they would condemn me. When I find something that makes me feel good I can't stop. If my partner tells me to not do certain things, when i feel bad I blame her because those things would make me feel so much better. I feel a tremendous amount of stress most of the time. I panic if I have a doctor appointment and the grocery in one day. I hate to talk on the phone and some days wont answer it. My partner makes all off my doctor appointments because I just don't like to. I have been treated inpatient and outpatient. It is extremely hard to fins a psychiatrist that will give you a thorough psych. evaluation. I have been tried on 20 or more medicines and I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I know that I don't fit into this disorder. Many times I feel as if someone is listening to me even though I know they aren't. I feel as if I am acting for everyone to see. I always feel that most people talk about me when they aren't around me. I know this is a big entry but I am desperate. I am not sure what else to do. Any advice or info, or just an ear would be great. Thanks.