I am VERY good at hiding my depression -- sometimes, I am so good at it I appear hypomanic but I am not, really.

It's annoying, because I feel like clinicians (including those in the psych ward) have downplayed the degree of my depression because I joke and laugh and seem generally ok. There was a point I was quite suicidal, and part of its cause was the thinking, "I feel SO BAD and no one can see it ... so, killing myself will show them *how* much pain I am really in." I don't think those feelings were a cry for help as much as the utter desperation of someone drowning and not being able to convey they are drowning ... if that makes sense.

I can't really control my affect, but I *know* when I am depressed and masking vs. truly hypomanic.