ok so as some of you know i had my last session with my beloved exT on tuesday so this just to say how it went if anyone is interested.

it wasn't really what i expected, much of it was kind of like a normal session but i realised that everything had already been said. i'd said everything i needed to say to him in the letter i gave him last week and i'd asked him everything i wanted to know over the last 6 weeks since i found out.

it's kind of like i'd been in a state of grief the last 6 weeks and i finally accepted that although it's really sad, it's going to happen and i can't control it. over the last few weeks we'd talked a lot about challenging my thoughts and being able to "hold him in mind" after he leaves (as i tend to shut off my emotions when someone leaves me) and i have been trying to put that into practice and i think it's having a fairly positive impact.

i didn't cry which i was surprised about and maybe a little disappointed about but it's not the worst thing i suppose. he said he'd ring up the service again in a year or so to find out how i'm getting on. i asked him if he couldn't just ring me directly and he said that if i thought he was going to phone me then i might not fully process the loss. that i needed a definite ending. which sucks but i expected as much.

but he also said that if i see him around town or something that he wants me to come talk to him. i have never seen him around yet though so i don't know how likely that is.

i asked him if he thought i'd be ok and he said "yes, absolutely." he seemed confident about that so that made me feel good. he also said he was sad to leave and it was a pity things had to end but that he was grateful for the time we had together. (he didn't choose to leave you see, he gets sent somewhere new by the NHS every six months).

he seemed to like the gift i got him.

overall we laughed a lot which is one of the things i love about him anyway, that we have such a similar sense of humour so i suppose that was a fitting end.

i'm sad and i cried when i got home but i'm also coping a lot better than i thought i would. i thought i'd be destroyed but like i said, i've been grieving for six weeks so i think i might be dealing better now.

i've since thought of a ton of things i'd love to tell him. things i've realised about myself, a funny website i think he'd like. stuff like that. it's hard losing someone.

if you remember i asked him to write me a letter so that i would have something tangible from him to hold on to. he said he would think about it and i took that to mean "no". because he explained that he wanted me to be able to hold him in mind without an object and i might not learn to do that if i have a letter to cling onto but clearly he decided it was ok.

the letter is nice, professional but thoughtful. i think i wouldn't have been 100% happy with it unless it said "lets be best friends" written in his own blood and containing a lock of his hair, which considering he's bald reaches a whole new level of weird...

anyway. i'm sad but i'm coping. i am trying to focus on where i want to be when he rings up to find out about me. what i want them to say. i want him to be happy about my progress. i hope ideally that i run into him and can tell him myself but we'll just have to wait and see about that.