Two things happened last weekend that have had me going sideways. I think I've got one resolved.

For the final time, Jerry had left. He threw one of his tantrums because I reminded him one too many times, I guess, that we needed for him to cash in some Cokes cans that had been stacking up... plus we needed the money. Can I help that he's scattered and forgetful??

Well, he did cash in part of them, came in and threw the money at me and left in his car. Later that day, I saw that both the RV and his car were gone. Ok... so he was pulling yet another disappearing act. Something he's been well known for in the past 30 yrs. About 4 yrs ago, when he moved back in with me I told him that it pushes my abandonment trigger. He started telling me when he was leaving the vicinity of the house... but NOT when he flies into a rage.

As you know, not too long ago, we had agreed that he was moving out. He moved out to the RV storage area of the park. LOL Well... he SLEPT there and that was all. THIS TIME IT'S FOR GOOD! I'm making sure of that by telling the manager of the park that he no longer lives here. No rights to the storage area.

THEN... as some of you are aware, John's wife had become a member here back in Feb, shortly after she had my premie grandson. I found this out the day after Jerry left. So I've had my abandonment trigger pulled, found out I was being stalked, went through rage, fear, paranoia, concern and extreme sadness.

For a while, I had both occurances mixed together in my mind. Now I think I know why. I KNOW that Jerry is going to help Christina in her mistaken perseption of me. Jerry bends whichever way the wind blows. He depends way too much on John for almost everything. They are against me over there and have been for quite a while. They're just going to feed off each other. I don't care what Jerry thinks! It's my son that my heart is breaking over! Christina has twisted everything I say and has him if not hating me, at least not ever wanting to see me again.

While I don't approve of lot of the things she DOESN'T do, I don't hate her. I could get along with her, if she'd let me. But she's an insecure, immature girl. From the very beginning, she's been turning John against me. When John left my house, it cut off the child support I was getting from his dad. Cut my income in half. I had a really rough financial time as well as John. For a while, we'd borrow pennies from each other to get through.

I remember one time, calling him and asking him for a small amount of money. I heard Christina in the background saying "What right does she have to ask US for money??" John told her "She's my mother and I love her." This was about 8 yrs ago. Well, she's worked "her magic that I know so well." He hasn't spoken to me hardly, since January.

She was here asking if a relationship could be fixed but added that I lie and twist things. I think all of you know me better than she does and know that I don't do that or it would show up here on the boards. Because those of you that agree with me say so, she says you "enable" me.

HOWEVER! She did say something that is true and has been on my mind for a few years. I've yet to figure out all the reasons. What she said is that my kids don't want to be around me. YOU have heard me say that! THERE HAS TO BE A GOOD REASON!!

I can explain some of it away, but ... If there is ANYTHING I can do to change that, I WANT TO DO IT!!

My daughter was the first one to turn against me. She had all sorts of strange ideas when this first hit. She stopped talking to me and doesn't let me see her kids. Come to find out, she's Borderline. Ok... so she has a mental illness.

Then, there's Christina that has turned my baby away from me. I can say that she's terribly insecure and for good reason. She saw John's love and loyalty towards me and perceives it as a threat. YES! I've voiced my opinion of her to JOHN, never to her! There was a time that I cleaned her house for her. I've shared with her that I used to be and feel like she does when I first became a mother and how I helped myself to change. She saw that as me trying to take John away from her! I guess I can see how she felt threatend, but I've NEVER been mean to her or accused her of anything! She does have some endearing qualities. Maybe it's the little girl in her that is so obvious... and me with a strong mothering instinct! LOL

Ok! This is way too long already. I could go on and on, but I'll shut up now.

If any of you can give me some OBJECTIVE insights, I sure would appreciate it! *I* am sincere when I say that I would like to fix this relationship! Don't "enable" me, ok??

and thanks ahead of time... even if it's for just getting through this long post. I HATE LONG POSTS! LOL