Hi im 26yo male, i consider myself straight as ive been with plenty of women and enjoy it. However since puberty ive had these fantasies about men, specifically being a bottom for an older guy. These urges seemed to decline a little as i got older but when i was 19yo i met a guy online and acted on my fantasy.
It was uncomfortable and i asked him to stop and he did, i went home releived because i knew now i wasnt gay, or bi, or whatever you call it..BUT i still have the urges! They have been really strong lately and a part of my says maybe i was just nervous my cuz it was my first time, and i was only 19, and i didnt know the guy at all, plus it was in backseat of a car which was uncomfortable..But another part of me says i am a MAN and a FATHER and this is wrong and deep down i know i could only be in a relationship with a woman.
Also after my first time i felt so degraded and less of a man it ruined my self esteem, toke years to recover from it..What do i do? Do i explore my sexuality some more but risk ruining my self esteem again? Or do i repress these urges and hope they go away as im still young? Im totally lost and confused.
It also doesnt help that i have major depression, anxiety, and a chemical imbalance which is what i blame these urges on, its like a switch, one min i crave women, and next i crave men. someone please help!