Hi beau

I'm really sorry you're going through all of this, and I just wanted to say a few words to you, given what I have been reading on this thread.

Firstly, the suicide of your friend is in no way your fault. The only person who can accept responsibility for that decision is the person who made it. And they did make that decision. No amount of guilt on your part can disallow it or cancel it out.

As mad as it sounds, I think sometimes the guilt helps us hide from the anger, but we have to deal with that eventually. It's a fierce, terrible and righteous anger, because the real victims of suicide are those who are left behind.

Going on from that, I agree with what someone else said about getting some emotional distance between yourself and your family. You've already said yourself several times that you can't do it for them, and you're exactly right. You need to look after yourself first and foremost before anyone else.

There was more to this post, but it was very triggery and I don't think the language is nuanced enough to express it.