Hypnotherapy sounds interesting.

TRIGGER
Another sickening thing my mother did to me concerned suicide. For some reason I had to be aware of suicide really young. And she told me (I do not know whether this is true, I doubt) that every person who jumps from a tall building regrets in those few seconds that separate him or her from a deadly fall and SCREAM while they fall. This is an odd fantasy and I am not sure why I had to be privy to it but I was. Fast forward some thirty years and when I was taking those pills in my suicide attempt, there were so many pills, I separated them into three handfuls. After ingesting two handfuls an idea to call for help came to me, but I decided that *I* will be *courageous* unlike those people my mom was talking about, and took the third handful of pills and started writing a letter to my then husband.

Another thing was torture. Again I do not know why but from an early age I had to be aware of various forms of torture, e.g. impaling. I do not have that obsession now, have not done it in ages, but I used to spend nights browsing Wikipedia articles about gory stuff.

It is as if she pre-programmed me.