It's been a while. I'm tired of telling the story over and over again, so I'll keep it super brief. I did meet someone and had a brief and passionate relationship. I meant to take things slowly but he was having a hard time adjusting to life in the States again (and this economy sucks!) He announced that he was going back to his old job in Korea. I panicked and told him I loved him. He confessed having feelings for me too and swore he was going to spend as much time with me as possible. He fed me full of so many great promises. I told him I wanted to go back to school and finish my degree, and he promised to fly me out to Korea to visit him on a regular basis, support me as I went to school, and even wanted to marry me!

Then I found out he had been making these grandiose promises while drunk off his rocker.

He had promised to spend most of last week with me doing little else but cuddling, getting to know each other, and watch as much anime as we could stand. However, by the second day his craving for alcohol was so bad that he actually tried to sneak out of my apartment while I was still asleep. This escalated into a fight and I had two consecutive panic attacks. I had drunk a couple of shots of hard liquor and, since I can't handle even a small amount of booze myself, I got angry and put my fist through a mirror. I've never done anything like that before in my life.

Police were called and my "beloved" accused me of holding him hostage (he was always free to leave,) and manipulating him (I have panic disorder; I can't help having panic attacks when overwrought!) I was taken in to the emergency room for evaluation and consented to undertake a few days of inpatient psych care. I worried about my partner constantly because I knew he had attempted suicide himself a half dozen months ago. I didn't want him to die!

I just got out of the hospital on Tuesday. I immediately contacted my partner. He told me that he wanted us to have some space but wait and see because we might be able to salvage the relationship eventually. But I couldn't leave well enough alone. We fought yesterday when he joined a Facebook group for single people. I told him that I felt betrayed and used and coerced by him. He didn't want to acknowledge that, claiming he was the victim all along. I apologized and he told me that he was unapologetic about his drinking habits and had no intention of cutting back no matter how anyone felt about it. I told him I'd go along with it, accept it, but that I didn't like it.

Earlier today, I tried to better explain my feelings and concerns and he reacted by telling me that the relationship was over.

Now I know I am in hell.

I talked to my therapist earlier today and she knows the complete story. She even knows that I have a plan for how I might commit suicide should I opt for that route and I explained also that I had drafted a suicide note. I think she knows the truth I've known for a long time now:

My life is worthless and I would really be better off dead.

I'm an atheist, but since I've lost all sense of myself, all sense of my identity and all sense of purpose in continuing to live, I've begun to wonder that there isn't some sort of higher power up there. Only, this higher power, whatever it is, loves to occasionally pick out a few "Job" characters and really make their lives miserable, like a Sims game gone terribly wrong. I've been "praying" for a while now to just be able to drop dead. I made a post on Facebook asking "god" to prove he exists by killing me somehow as I slept (at the very least, I suffer sleep apnea. Just allow my throat to stay closed a moment too long...) There is a very good chance I might have cancer right now, too. I'm hoping I do have cancer, so I can finally die and do it the "right way" according to the culture.

I'm tired of suffering. There's been no help for me, try as I might. Everything goes to ash the minute I start to want it, and I can never have the one thing I've desired above basic food, shelter and clean water: love and acceptance for who I am. I guess I'm not good enough. I guess "god" hates me for being a gay transsexual atheist. I guess I deserve a horrible life. I really think I am in hell right now; I can't imagine a lake of fire would be any worse because eventually the fire would burn off any capability to feel pain. I'm fed up with life and I want to die.

Not much improvement over a near two-month period, is there?