My sister has been kissing my butt all day. I suppose she feels guilty for emotionally beating the crap out of me yesterday. But I'm not one of those people who can forget easily. I still feel like poo, I still really want to cut, I even got out of the house for a few hours today so I wouldn't have to be around her. They weren't home when I got back, so I had some more time to myself, and when they came home they had stopped at Walmart and she had bought me my favorite water and ice cream and some other stuff. She's been all huggy and sappy and stuff, and you know what? All I can think about is what great knives they have here. All I ever kept at my own place was $7.99 Target steak knives (can barely cut a baked potato, LOL) and occasionally some razor blades.

I can't stop thinking how good it would feel to whip one of those big chef's knives down my arm. I want to see the blood, I want to feel the hurt, I have it coming and I don't know what else to do. I have a friend who took a hammer and broke her own arm once, but she was skinny as a rail and I'm a cow, so there's an extra 100 lbs. to get through to my bones and all I'd get is a bruise (I've tried before).

I haven't felt this bad in a long, long time. I thought I was over this. This month marks a year since I've cut. Apparently the idea never goes away, even if you think it has.

I just want to hurt physically as bad as I do emotionally. I have cried till I thought I couldn't anymore and yet it keeps coming. I don't know what to do about it.



Candy