Wow. I don't know what to say except give you a huge hug, if that is ok. Welcome to PC. There are a lot of people here who have great ideas, and all look out for each other. So I am glad you decided to join.

Are you seeing a T (therapist) at all right now? It sounds like you have a grasp on what might be your underlying issues, and a T could help you process this.

I am not great at advice, but I am sure there will be others who chime in, be patient though, it takes a while to process posts sometimes!

Welcome, again, and thank you for sharing.