((Thank you everyone again and new posts from Perna, HappieDaisy and Charlie J))
First- his friend apologized for the should be's-- they were not sure if I knew, and yeh emotionally distraught- After I wrote back laying it all down-- they now see understanding from me, and the thing is -- as I had pointed out he was doing the same thing to them, they let me know that we are all still "family" (they are friends not blood but they care) but that basically this was the last using from my brother from them until he changes some things, and if he does not- he chooses then to be out of their life---- I can agree..
I have still been having a lot of ups and downs with this-- the raging guilt on my side has gotten tamed down-- Open Eyes mentioned in another thread that with me believing that I can not control others, she in good intentions I believe was trying to say that it wont make this easier or the pain-- I think I get what Open Eyes is saying-
So it brings me back to what My sister (#4) suggested that I tell him how he makes me feel when he does what he does to me, to see if he cares-- I struggled with that for a week due to it is a good suggestion but I already knew the answer and was fighting with myself with it-- I have in the past already told him with what he does on how it makes me feel, and what he is doing, and that is one wall punched close to the face result.
I will still have pain with this no doubt with whatever happens but to lessen my pain a little perhaps-- I did just now write my brother an email, expressing some of my feelings but yet at the same time not allowing it to be amo to be used against me. It was not a nasty email, not even an email of this is what you do to us (the people that care)
-- but an email to tell him that we that tell him to stop using drugs/alcohol and other bad coping skills to cope, to go to therapy are people that care and don't like to see him that way and we are not therapists and not psychologist and cannot provide the help that is needed for him to be better and it is not to be mean or an attack to him if that is what he feels it is- it is due to we really think it could help him with not suffering as he is, which we do not like to see him suffer like he is right now-- it was rather long due to I went into also that he needs to care about himself, others care- but that main point along with my thoughts on suicide and I attached a link that I have used myself, that comes down to coping skills -- wanting to commit suicide is by means to get out of the pain and suffering that we are in and it comes down to gaining better coping skills for ourselves-- I also told him- I can suggest things to one, but it takes one to do those things themselves-- and just left it to that-- a generalization --no you in that.
It is ok if he does not reply back to email, with the content of the email it is ok if he throws back some stuff to me that may hurt, the reason for me email is the final time to "speak" in a written text, which is what I do best, SOME* of my feelings on this matter and that I hope him the best and I think he could be so much more and I think better coping skills can help him with that but I do not have the skills for him to do that for himself.
in away i do feel a lifted weight off of me right now-- i have spoke what I needed to-- it is the final words, if he goes and gets help and better himself, well- we will cross that bridge when we come to that-- if he continues in the path that he is- I am where I stand today- he can choose to be in my life, with respecting others and trying things to better himself, or he can continue in disrespect and we don't need to know each other.
He already knows that I did this to our mother, father and two other brothers-- and that I keep very distant from our sisters.
I know that some may read this and think I am stupid for trying one last time to him, but it is my final time- it is- it is my promise to myself- I am tired of suffering that I go through with this from him, the abusive ways, and his violent anger at times to get what he wants or to feel better.
I have seen many sides to this man, i truly have-- and I know-- every person has good and bad sides and it is every persons choice to choose which they want to do--
I am sorry this has been a long battle for me-- and I am done with the battle, and it is out of my control of what I can do due to I have done what is in my range of doing which has been suggesting, sharing, and encouraging for a better life.
thanks all who have helped me with getting this out, wishing me well on it and just letting me talk about it- I do appreciate it and it has been helpful.