Last suggestion, then I'll stop, I promise. Before letting yourself be convinced about her motives for something, work REALLY hard to make sure that there isn't a smidgen of assumption. If there is even a shadow of a doubt about why she says or does something, or if there is any possibility that she is NOT "behind" something that John or the kids say or feel, then I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt. Not because she has a great track record, but I think it would be smart to turn over a new leaf and from this moment forward, avow not to make any assumptions about her intentions or motives. Easier said than done, but SO MUCH conflict results from assumptions that it's probably the smartest step toward digging in deeper.