I've been thinking... And I realise... I push people away. I push away... Most people. Everybody really. Sometimes I long for connection but in general I'm too frightened. And so I push people away. People I live with. People I work with. People on boards. My family too I guess (though that one is complicated).

I think...

Maybe this is about her testing how important therapy is to me. It is so tempting for me to say 'fine then' and withdraw at this point. But maybe it is about her testing how important therapy is to me. Maybe... If I don't tell her then I'll lose her.

I am sick. Terribly sick. Feel like I'm going to die kinda sick. I've been sick (like this or nearly like this) about four times since late Feb. I'm thinking... It is psychosomatic. Or has a psychosomatic component. Any social thing that I really should go to... Well I just happen to get sick and then I can't go. Typically it is a social thing that I'm dreading, but I appreciate it is important for me to go.

Part of pushing people away. %#@&#! %#@&#! %#@&#!. What the hell am I going to do??