I'm fine with your asking. Yes, looks are a trigger for me, because that is ALL that matters to my FOO, those were the "values" passed down, enforced, really. So that is something I work on. Marrying someone who didn't love me enough either, is another issue for me. Having a rejecting abusive mother who preferred another sibling over me, and analysing how that situation could be changed - also my area of expertise. Don't you guys get it? I want mkac to answer my questions so I can get insight into the problems holding ME back. It's like I see her holding 5 keys in her hand and I say, try the blue one. well, really, I don't blame you all for thinking i'm being unsupportive because it looks like i'm just standing on the sidelines and hollering out stuff at random.
of course I care about fairness. I see mkac's H more as a hard nut to crack, so I just ask, what is the point, the use, the good, of putting him down for bringing up something he shouldn't? Like Roseanne said on her sitcom, "Do you think Dan (her tv H) just came out of the box like that?!" ie wonderful. I cut my T a LOT of slack because he is not a computer program, he is a person - that's something I had to learn. Like Dr Phil says, do you want to be right, or do you want to fix this? If mkac doesn't want to fix the marriage, and just wanted hugs for being exposed, well, I misunderstood, and I believe I apologized already. And I think my T is happy with my progress in moving him out of the husband role. This week he cried, he got goosebumps, and he rambled on defensively. wtf does he know? - enough to get the job done. it doesn't have to be perfect.

ETA: Sorry if i'm coming off as cranky. i'll back off.