Quote:
Originally Posted by hankster
I'm fine with your asking. Yes, looks are a trigger for me, because that is ALL that matters to my FOO, those were the "values" passed down, enforced, really. So that is something I work on. Marrying someone who didn't love me enough either, is another issue for me. Having a rejecting abusive mother who preferred another sibling over me, and analysing how that situation could be changed - also my area of expertise. Don't you guys get it? I want mkac to answer my questions so I can get insight into the problems holding ME back. It's like I see her holding 5 keys in her hand and I say, try the blue one. well, really, I don't blame you all for thinking i'm being unsupportive because it looks like i'm just standing on the sidelines and hollering out stuff at random.
of course I care about fairness. I see mkac's H more as a hard nut to crack, so I just ask, what is the point, the use, the good, of putting him down for bringing up something he shouldn't? Like Roseanne said on her sitcom, "Do you think Dan (her tv H) just came out of the box like that?!" ie wonderful. I cut my T a LOT of slack because he is not a computer program, he is a person - that's something I had to learn. Like Dr Phil says, do you want to be right, or do you want to fix this? If mkac doesn't want to fix the marriage, and just wanted hugs for being exposed, well, I misunderstood, and I believe I apologized already. And I think my T is happy with my progress in moving him out of the husband role. This week he cried, he got goosebumps, and he rambled on defensively. wtf does he know? - enough to get the job done. it doesn't have to be perfect.
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Hankster, my husband is a hugely hard nut to crack. I thought that I did answer your question in my response when I said that he and I discussed him bringing it up in therapy and his reasons for doing so. I AM working on fixing this, so I asked him -- didn't attack him, I didn't put him down, but ASKED him nicely -- what the relevance was in what he told MC. He told me he was exploring WHY he keeps repetitively doing very hurtful things. I asked him if he really thought that my abuse issues were relevant to him doing things like constantly arguing with me, completely disregarding what I have to say on a topic,and then when it turns out I was right, saying in a really arrogant tone, "well, I thought . . . " The man LITERALLY had an argument about whether Wednesday to Wednesday was the same as week.
Anyway, I discussed it with him nicely (as opposed to how I am being here), and he was nice and honest enough to admit that HE didn't even think it was relevant. So yeah, I was just maybe just looking for support and hugs and some opinions about how to deal with feeling so horrible and exposed.
At this point, my H doesn't even know I'm upset about him discussing this with MC. He understands that if he's going to 'explore' explanations for his behavior, that we include things that I think are possible explanations as well.
What other question did you have that I didn't answer? Not talking down to you - I just don't know what I'm missing.