MKAC, my H did a very similar thing for a long time -- pulling up issues of mine that I was ashamed of (and, incidentally, couldn't control, very convenient for H) as excuses for his behavior, even when they made way less sense than his own issues. Some were quite low.

We've come a long way since, and wouldn't have gotten there without my T being there for me, letting me call when things were bad, arranging to touch base if I had to do something like deliver an ultimatum. When I finally got married, when H and I were finally able to be the team we always should have been, I knit T a scarf... It wouldn't have happened without him.

I never turned to him because I was a damsel in distress running to a man I found attractive. I went to him because he helped me stand up for myself, helped me navigate my own stuff, and never judged my decision to work things through with H when most would have given up. And he assured me many times that he would not get sick of me as long as he was really helping. I sense you have an equally committed T -- take him at his word, and let him help you be strong and tackle the issue productively with H. T getting sick of me is one of my biggest fears, so I can really empathize.

If your H can find it in him to own his s*** (this may require your being prepared to leave; it did for me), it can get better. We look back on the bad tomes now, and H will say, "I'm so sorry I treated you that way." I am hoping you hear those words someday too; you deserve them