So, I have been having the same conflict for a while but the past few months it has really been getting to me. I think the fact that it has been an issue for so long and is now becoming I can't ignore or push aside is interesting to me...why now?
My conflict is hard to explain I feel, not sure what category it would fit under, but I have low self-esteem issues and that seems to have always been a part of my problem, which is finding someone who would desire or cherish me...in a sense. I am tired of being alone, and when I say alone I mean a virgin who has never slow danced with a guy, had a date, kissed or even widely flirted.
I reach a low about this ever month, probably a part of my cycle which is a part of my diagnosis (PMDD Pre-mesntral Disphoric Disorder) and just seeing sexy pictures of what desirable woman look like seems to add to it. I have never been more aware of the constant visuals of ideal feminine beauty, which is highly unrealistic to me. I am pretty overweight and am trying to be healthy, working out and watching what I eat, but even if I got super serious about it, that ideal isn't in my reach. I feel so hopeless and alone not in the sense that I am the only one that feels this way, but that no one has loved me that way, or at least been attracted enough to me to do something about it.
I feel like I have put myself out there, I can always try more, but even when moved to change and I act on it, nothing budges. I have been this way for so long and all attempts to change it have not really panned out leaving me even more hopeless about it than ever.
My friends have always told me I am such a good person, that I am actually not that bad looking and the kill shot, I just haven't met the right person. But to hear that as well for so long with no inclination of truth I have seen to prove it just frustrates me further.
I haven't felt this low about it since High School really and there are probably many reasons this is happening now, but this is a low I don't want to be in anymore, it is a path I don't want to stray on.