From I was 7 until was 11 I was sexually abused by my grandfather. It still upsets me and sometimes I find myself crying for very long periods, sometimes to the point that I am sick, but I have no one to go to. My parents don't know. my grandfather is dead, and they wouldn't believe me if I did tell them, it would only hurt them. A couple of my friends know, but I can't speak about it to people face to face. If I try to I just end up crying or shaking or stopping speaking altogether from an inability to speak any more

More than that, now I'm worried that I am becoming two separate people. My life is very contained and controlled and I constantly feel pressured and stressed, although I don't believe anyone notices or cares. My family don't believe in 'emotions', my father in particular, he'd tell me to wise up and get a grip if tried to talk about how I felt and my mum would tell me to pray to a god i don't believe in. I feel as if there is something boiling up inside me, stifled and hunched over, contained inside my flesh. I need to let it out, but I'm afraid of what it will do.

There is the me that everyone sees, and then there is the creature inside me. It frightens me. it needs power and freedom and wildness and passion and rage all the time and it never stops trying to get them, but I as a person am reserved and forced to be polite and careful and responsible and rational. Society expects certain things, but the thing inside me needs to scream for no reason and cry for the sake of it, needs to punch the wall until my fist bleeds and click my back and neck to the point where I feel it might break. I am part of this other thing, and it part of me, but it is not all me, I don't understand it and it feels so real, but I know it is not. help, I don't know what to do