i'm not sure i'm really numb, i'm just feeling so much i'm just choosing not to deal with it right now. so much of my life was based on hiding something, trying to protect myself and those i care about, and now people expect me to open up myself and trust and i don't know how to trust. i can fake it very well, i can fake every thing well. i'd be a spectacular actor if i could only get rid of my stage fright. why is it so necessary to open up, why can't i just kept everything inside me till i implode, isn't it my right to implode. i shouldn't have told her i tried to kill myself, now she wants me to tell my parents, it was months ago and i'm no longer suicidal, why should it matter. i supposed to be fine, to not need anyone that's what i agreed to with myself. complete autonomy that's that goal. i don't want to be that person that everyone looks down on, shakes their head and says, "oh she had so much potential, and now she's just a zombie." so i'll just keep faking it and if i break down again i'll keep faking it till i end up on a metal gurney.

<font color=purple>A positive attitude will not solve all your problems,
but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort</font color=purple>