If I tell someone I love them they will die or leave

1. Is it true?

It feels true and as a practical matter, yes everyone I love is going to die and if I don't go first I'll be there to see it.

I witnessed Mom's pain when I had to wake her to tell her Dad had passed away.

There was a little boy in my class that I liked. He was the class clown and stood up for himself which I admired. He was riding his bike down the hill in front of the school and I waved and yelled hi. He looked back and got into a fatal accident. I have no visual memory of it. I can see me standing there looking at him and him looking back. I did have dreams of babies with tomato heads and they were all over the road, I kept stepping on them. Some of the children blamed me. I don't remember if I blamed myself.

I had another little girl that I played with. One year she did not come back to school in the fall and I had no other friends. I didn't know if she was killed. I used to go look at her house. She was gone and I didn't know where.

In high school I was beginning to have friends for the first time and Dad was transferred, so that time I was the one that had to leave. We came back for a visit that summer and Grandma was in the hospital. We found out she had terminal cancer. I asked one of my aunts if I could stay with her so I wouldn't have to leave, but Mom wouldn't let me. I never saw my Grandma again. Mom didn't want an "empty nest", I was the last child at home. If she had not made me go back with them I would not have gone through a lot of bad stuff that happened because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people.

I've lost all of my grandparents generation. Everyone that made it special on the farm is all gone now. I was wasting my life with a man who never really loved me when my grandfather died so I was not there. Then my husband found someone else for himself. At least I was there for the end with my Mom's mother and my great aunt.

2. Can you absolutely know this is true?

Yes, you don't have to tell me, I know that this is what life is.

3. What happens, how do I react, when I believe this thought?

Bleak and lonely

4. Who would I be without this thought

Maybe I would be able to appreciate what time there is without thinking about the future or if there will be one. I hope I could appreciate some good moments with someone, without looking down the road at what I know is coming.

Turnaround: I only have the now, so I'll live in it and share what love there is without worrying about endings.