You are not alone with your feelings. I feel, in many ways, the same way. I have tried to make sense of my feelings and it drives me nuts. I try to be positive and just know that there are other just like you. Its hard to live with mixed up feelings, let alone being unsure if you even feel anything at all. I question myself. I think well maybe I am just mean, or other people must feel just like me and I am being a baby about it. But the fact is, we cant help our emotions and how we perceive the world. We didn't ask to be born this way the same as someone doesn't ask to be born with a heart defect. People do not understand what they don't see. If it is not obvious to the naked eye, then it is nonexistent. That can be frustrating especially if it is a loved one. Try to stay positive. You are worth it just the same as anyone else is worth it.