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Originally Posted by Rhylee
My conflict is hard to explain I feel, not sure what category it would fit under, but I have low self-esteem issues and that seems to have always been a part of my problem, which is finding someone who would desire or cherish me...in a sense.
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I get the feeling that the first thing you want from a boyfriend would be to affirm your desirability and value as a sexual being. What about just finding a male friend or exposing yourself to male company? That would be a pretty good first step for you.
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I am tired of being alone, and when I say alone I mean a virgin who has never slow danced with a guy, had a date, kissed or even widely flirted.
I reach a low about this ever month, probably a part of my cycle which is a part of my diagnosis (PMDD Pre-mesntral Disphoric Disorder) and just seeing sexy pictures of what desirable woman look like seems to add to it. I have never been more aware of the constant visuals of ideal feminine beauty, which is highly unrealistic to me. I am pretty overweight and am trying to be healthy, working out and watching what I eat, but even if I got super serious about it, that ideal isn't in my reach.
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You've mentioned this before. You seem to get very upset over glamourized portrayals of relationships, women and lifestyles.
I laugh at pictures of afghan hounds lying on chaise lounges with throw pillows and hardwood floors in glamour magazines, as I realise that these are shots manufactured by photographers. They don't depict reality.
It's the same with the models. You don't have to live up to pictures of models in magazines because they are unrealistic portrayals of normality. Pictures which are airbrushed and often unattractive anyway.
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I feel like I have put myself out there, I can always try more, but even when moved to change and I act on it, nothing budges. I have been this way for so long and all attempts to change it have not really panned out leaving me even more hopeless about it than ever.
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Maybe it's not a matter of effort, but your approach. Too much effort smacks of desperation, and that's never attractive to anyone.
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My friends have always told me I am such a good person, that I am actually not that bad looking and the kill shot, I just haven't met the right person. But to hear that as well for so long with no inclination of truth I have seen to prove it just frustrates me further.
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Ask them to hook you up. Or if not that, to expose you to the company of eligible males. You don't have to go out with them, just chat, mingle, and open yourself to the possibility of flirting or being flirted with. That would be a big first step.