Oh there's no need to feel guilty at all. You are under so much stress. as triciadrich mentioned, forums/support groups would be a good outlet.

also, did something happen in the last few months that made you feel worse? btw, not saying your son has the disease but because you mentioned he was violent sometimes it brought to mind the question of might he be schizophrenic? I have been watching these shows on children with schizophrenia and they all had violent ideations. (there is a schizophrenia forum on PC too)