Hi nightowl i hope you are doing ok!
I just want you to know, you are not alone, I am going through something similar and you have my complete sympathy.
I don't have bi polar but I have BPD and to me it sounds like you are leaning towards borderline... but you should get a actual diagnosis...
The low self esteem, highly strung emotions and not believe you deserve to be in people life are all BPD traits, so please stay strong and know there is help.
I'm here to talk if you need x