hey guys, hope all is well.

im feelin quite upset at the mo, and my comp just set me off cryin! i wrote a post about why im feelin unhappy then just before i went to post it my browser crashed and i lost it all, stupidly, that made me cry.
ive been upset all day, things have been on my mind all day and i think its just gettin the best of me tonight.

ive had a few emotional things ive had to deal with recently and i thought i was copin quite well, until today, today is not one of my good days.

see, a guy in work called josh was back today after bein on holiday for 2 weeks and everyone has been around him givin him all the attention, huggin him kissin him etc (its always been like that, isnt just because hes been away) and ive been kind of left alone today. ive felt really alone today, in the last couple of weeks ive grown close to a girl in work who i quite fancy, called fay, and we were gettin on really well, but now josh is back shes been all over him and ignored me, it seems i was a stand in, someone she can talk to just because josh was away. its not like fay and josh are an item, she has a boyfriend.

i will be the first to admit it, i am dead jealous of josh, i look at him and all i see is someone who (through no fault of his own) has grown up in such an easy life, has a loving family around him, hes good lookin, hes attractive, hes rich, funny etc, all that s*** girls go for, hes basically everthin i aint, and hes had the life ive longed for too. hes the same age as me too but we are so different because of or up bringings. i sometimes wish i could spend a day in his shoes, see the world through his eyess and not mine for a change, im tired of lookin out through these eyes, especially wen theres people like him i see. i feel guilty for dislikin him for that because its not his fault, just like its not my fault my lifes been this way.

i wouldnt mind so much if had people around me that cared but i dont, they are all too busy spending all their time with people like him. i came home from work earlier feelin really low, and wen i got home who was here for me, who was here to comfort me? no one. just me. so ive had to sort myself out today, as its always been. it would be nice to just come home to lovin arms, for someone to comfort me, and make me feel i shouldnt be jealous of him. having to deal with your own problems on ur own allt he time gets hard sometimes, today bein one of those days.

the wierdest thing about it, i just had a text from my ex girlfriend (we went out together 5 years ago, we got together just after my mum passed away). i was crazy for her, i fell in love with her, i no it was love, u just no these things. the trouble is, she finished it 4 months after we got together cos she went on holiday and met someone there, had a holiday romance with him and came home to me, and so she bailed out. she broke my heart, at a time i was hurtin anyway i put too much emotional trust into the relationship and it all back-fired on me. it took me years to get over her, to forget her. i still think about her, and yea, i still have feelings for her, i always will becaus eshe meant so much to me for one reason or another. about 2 years ago i decided to tell her how i felt, i was fed up of keepin it to myself, i wanted her to no, i must admit, i did dream shed come runnin back to me into my arms, ya no, the happy ending story, but it didnt quite go that way. she didnt talk to me afterwards for about a year. we very rarely talk now, the daft thing is she only lives 2 minutes walk away from me. i can almost see her house from mine. shes with a boy at the mo (has been since we left school 3 years ago) and he was one of the biggest reasons me and laura split up, he was jealous of me so he spread rumours about me, lied to people about me, basically painted me in a bad light, and that had a big influence on laura wen it came to her splittin up with me. he continued to kick me whilst i was down, considerin my mum had died about 3 moths before, he didnt hold back, he bullied me for 2 whole years until i left school. literally from about 3 weeks after my mum died to the day we left school he made my life even worse. he is still with laura to this day. and he doesnt let her speak to me i think because she once said to me that me and her should stop talkin because luke wont like it.

see guys, i really have experienced everythin, and its all goin round in my head lately, suppose im just dealin with it all now whilst im strong enough. i really am sorry for the really long posts but its only cos im new to this site and i have alot to get off my chest, hope u guys understand.

hope you guys can help me feel better tonight, im still close to tears, although, writin this (twice!) has helped alot.

speak soon