I'm a bad person and others do not like me.

1. Is it true?
I think it is true at times, as it would be with any human being. I was raised in an environment without praise and with lots of criticism and judgement and sneering. This came not only from my parents, but also from my three older siblings and other children at school who probably were raised in the same way. It is a blessing maybe that I was just a witness to my brothers physical abuse and have not adopted this as the normal way to act, though sometimes the anger breaks through and I hate myself. It's alway physically directed at myself. Now Mom is old and mixed up but it takes the form of her insisting she is right and I don't remember correctly. The thing is she's done this to me my entire life. I am never allowed to be right about anything. I have always felt they thought I was stupid and she would instigate my brothers to laugh at me and make fun. It was like having another mean older sibling. When I get upset with her, due to the baggage she put on me earlier in life, I yell at her while simultaneously beating on myself and I feel that I am a bad person to do this. I think other people would think I was a bad person if they knew. I wish there was somebody better able to take care of her. I feel so inadequate in every way to take care of the people in my life.

When I was in my late teens early 20's I went to a counseling center run by the church I attended. They intended this for a good work, but they had confrontation groups that were very destructive. They had this idea I was being "bad on purpose" for attention. They were also getting some of their information from someone that had me confused with someone else. They did one of their confrontations on me which left me blinking and repeating the word "bad" I was unable to see what was around me. Everything was light. People tried to talk to me and I could hear them but not see them. It left me like a broken little girl who did not speak for months except for simple greetings like Hi and Bye.

My husband also liked to criticize me and tell me what was wrong with me, and then he left me.

One of my therapist reviled me and treated me with contempt until it caused me to dissociate into a little girl. He did that everytime I started to recover. I think he wanted to destroy me as a person and set the little girl up in my place.

2. Can you absolutely know this is true?

I think there is a difference between knowing that something is not true and being able to recover the person I would have been.

3. What happens, how do I react, when I believe this thought?

Like I don't want to continue, but I have to complete my work and duty to others.

4. Who would I be without this thought

Someone who maybe could enjoy her life, who would be able to sustain a friendship, a marriage, a job.

turnaround: I am an imperfect person with both good and bad traits. Some people will like me and others won't. This is how it is to be a human being.