I just did something I had promised myself (and others) I'd never again do... I was feeling miserable, so I took at knife to my arm and made some cuts. I refuse to lie, it felt great... while I was cutting. Afterwards, I was horrified and extremely remorseful. What it comes down to is this: I know all of you have been telling me I need to love myself, but quite honestly, I CAN'T. Don't think I haven't tried. However, I can't love something that is simply unlovable - something no one else seems to love, something that fails constantly and never seems to make the grade. Could you love that? (Be honest.) I didn't think so. A lot of strange emotions and thoughts are going through my head - in addition to the rush, I am feeling very vindictive towards people who have treated me badly, such as my mom, doctors, guys who treated me to a one-night-stand and then never spoke to me again. I feel confused and tired yet exhilarated. I know what I did was wrong, and I feel badly about it, but I was sobbing into my pillows and writhing in bed before I did it. I don't want to do it ever again. It's times like these that I wish I had not been born. Before you tell me to see a therapist, I need you to know that I have one, back in New Jersey. I, however, am in the Midwest. Besides, right now, I have no money for a session. I feel so alone and bizarre right now, I wish I'd never, ever been born.