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I came to PC....my first posts were in this forum. Didn't realize at the time how bad the stress induced anorexia was going to actually become at that time (October 10, 2004)....by January/February 2005, mother had died from the cancer, I had gone through a horrible trauma with the home care person..... & ended up in the medical hospital.....no one understanding how all of that could effect my weight so badly.
Fast forward to today......almost 8 years later........my husband (who I separated from but couldn't get a divorce from because of financial issues)......is now causing stress for me because of his defaulting on the house we own together in Calif.....he quit paying the RE taxes in 2011 & then quit paying the house payment in march......because I"m on the loan, it's effecting my credit.
When I left him 5 years ago....I left leaving most of my things there with hopes that I would get back to get them not everythinking that he would loose the house....but moving 2100 miles away.....it's expensive to drive my huge truck across the country (almost $1000 in gas). The real gotcha in all this is that he never said a word to me & denied that he was hiding anything from me & lied when I confronted him about not making the payments...he said he was trying for a loan modification when in reality, he had never even spoken with the mortgage company. I have been dealing with the mortgage company, the assessors offices, the IRS.....which I also had to deal with when I first moved here & was still recovering from the previous anorexia issues I had.
I am trying to eat....but have no appetite.....I get busy dealing with the issues & forget to eat....have been so busy that all the dishes are piled up in the kitchen & nothing to eat on.....& can't really figure out what I feel like eating that will settle anyway.
Have already started loosing more weight than I know is healthy....but I'm still at a safe weight......but in the past, I know when stress hits & the weight starts coming off, it's not a good thing.....think my metabolism goes into hyperdrive....& what little I do eat doesn't keep the weight on.
Feeling dizzy I know from the stress.....& just feel like going to bed to sleep it off, but know that going to bed without eating anything (even for a nap) isn't a good thing either when I am already feeling dizzy. Toast & peanut butter is a staple right now......before I lived on grilled cheese sandwiches & oatmeal cookies, but don't have the energy to even make anything right now......need easy food that I can stick in the microwave....but it doesn't taste good to me & I only end up eating a bite or 2 & throwing the rest away.
I am trying to use my DBT skills to keep my emotions & my distress under control.......but it seems that I am still struggling even with trying to use the skills. I took the weekend off & had fun with a friend all friday afternoon/evening & had dinner we made.......I went to the park & had a wonderful picnic dinner & went to an outdoor play with out church.......& Sunday, went to church, out to lunch & then to a hymn sing & pot luck in the evening.......could hardly eat anything but ate a little everywhere because I knew I wouldn't feel like making food for myself at home.
So all my wonderful skills of doing other activities & letting my mind stop thinking about the problems.....I get back on Monday & today.....& I'm ready to fall apart again & feeling even worse than I did before I used my DBT skills. I am focusing so hard on my wise mind solution to the problems....it's really hard to shut my mind off when I am NOT AWAY from it all.
Metabolism I am sure plays a part in it because stress has always made me loose weight.....sometimes during mid-terms & finals at the uni, I would eat a whole batch of brownies, not get sick at all......or a whole bag of M&M's....never had bulimia.....& I would end up loosing weight while studying. Know my dad had that kind of metabolism also......but he also had high blood pressure & heart problems with low weight. Who knows where I am right now.....when I moved to KY, I only got my pain specialist to take care of my meds for my migraines...........didn't bother with a GP because I hadn't been really sick. I was so used to having low blood pressure that finding it high was a bit of a shock & a bit in denial because I'm sure I just need the fish oil & sleep when it was so high.
Trying to take care of myself best I can.....I have my 5 american eskie dogs that depend on me for care & Destiny (mommy eskie) who is now 16 is on heart meds I have to make sure she gets 2 X's a day.......so I can't get to the point I have in the past when I lived with my husband & he could do the physical things even though he messed everything in the financial end of our life.
Oh well......the struggle continues AGAIN......hope I can keep from letting it get the best of me this time......afraid to even think of going out trail riding to relax in the country because I'm feeling so shakey (part I'm sure is anxiety).....but don't want the horse to react to my emotions ATM
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Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this.
Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018
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