((((((((hugz)))))))))))), I haven't been around much lately, so want to welcome you to PC.....there are alot of great people here that are good at supporting through tough times.

I was glad to read through this thread & read that you really don't want to be like that "arrogent guy" Josh. I know the desire to be popular & be seen by others around you rather than being invisible, but you are very wise to not want to lower your own standards to get there. Your choice in that thinking is perfect & there will be someone that wants you for what you really are rather than trying to be more popular but lowering your values just to get attention. It sounds like you are on the right path.....even though at this time in your life it isn't as comfortable as you would like it to be. It's important to realize that your future is the important thing to focus on & a change to become more popular like Josh right now could actually harm your future happiness.....& it is great to hear that you realize this.

I am now 53, but remember many of my past feelings as I was growing up. Wishing that my home life would have supported better the way I wanted my life to be. I had a loving family, but both my parents had a very poor self esteem problem. Unfortunately, they weren't anything I wanted to pattern my life after....so I didn't have any examples to follow. I was an only child, so had no brothers or sisters to learn from either. The neighbor families I was around didn't give me that much insight to know how to get what I wanted out of my own life. I had to forge my own path in life & gather as much as I could from teachers & advisors around school.....(which wasn't like having a good example from home life). I have to admit that my value system from my parents was good....& I know we aren't supposed to talk religion....but I have to admit that it helped my value system also even though I asked too many questions that made my parents mad at me.

I guess what I would also say about Josh is that it seems to you that he has everything you haven't had, but I would bet if you got to know him & his family life & see life through his eyes, that is wouldn't be as good as it seems to you. People can make things look better than they really are. They can trick you into thinking that their life is so good but in reality, it isn't any better than yours. I have learned this over my many years of life.

The one thing that seems to be very wonderful in your life....even though you have had to go through so much pain & sadness, is that you are very sensitive to other people's feelings. That is something that many people are lacking. Sometimes we have to go through rough times in our lives so that we can know better about feelings (ours & others).

It sounds like there can be a lesson learned from your ex girlfriend also. One thing I learned from a similar situation was that I lost my own identity & my strength when I put myself totally into a relationship & let it control my emotions during & after it was over. I learned that I could love someone, but as I matured came the realization that it isn't healthy to allow anyone to control you to that extent. It seems like you have observed how bad that experience was. It also seems like you understand how wrong it is for a guy to control a girl to the extent where he won't let her talk to someone. "he doesn't let her speak to me I think because she once said to me that me & her should stop talking because Luke wouldn't like it." My question is how can anyone stand being so controlled by someone to the point where they can't talk to someone they want to talk. It seems like from that, you also realize that it isn't good for you to control someone like that either.

The emotional experiences that we go through as we grow are the way we learn about how we should treat people & how we want to be treated by people. It is the maturing process we all have to go through to learn how we want to be treated & how we should treat others as we continue with our lives.

It actually sounds like you are doing very well from your post. You are sensitive & have gone through so many personality growing experiences. Your values sound like they are growing strong & you are sensitive as to what you want to be like & how you treat others & also how you want to be treated by others. There is a wiseness that comes through in your post & as time passes, it sounds like you are going to be much better off than others who haven't had your experiences. It is tough living through it......but it sounds like you are doing very well & should be very proud of yourself. Just remember, it is all a growth process that never ends throughout our lives.

Take care & take it easy on yourself.....you sound like you are on a good path for your future.
Debbie