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Among many other things I have PTSD (also DID as well as psychotic episodes some docs believe are schizo related and general anxiety disorder, psuedoseizures which are new... the list goes on) and here in the last year it's gotten bad. Everything has. I've had quite a bit of near death experiences as well as scary times in the last two years and it's piling up.
I used to love to work. I used to love to drive, I used to love a lot of things. I loved being independent, making my own money, going for cross country drives. Now it all terrifies and upsets me. I can't step into the car (my fiance drives since my license was suspended due to psuedoseizures) without an overwhelming amound of anxiety building up. I spend all day at work fighting off the dissociation. In and out of complete consciousness. I get triggered so easily. I'm in this forum because much of it is caused by my PTSD.
It's been mentioned by my t and many doctors, as well as family and many others for quite some time now that I go on disability. I don't want that. I don't want to feel like I'm bumming off of society. But work... I must admit it's very difficult. I have to struggle every minute of every shift not to run out screaming, not to have a black out, not to have another stress seizure, not to cry and curl up in a ball behind the desk. It's hard.
So my question is... Is it worth it? Or would it add to my stress? I hear it's hard to get on it. That's alright, I don't know if I want to anyways, but if I did get on it, would it be enough? I only make 300 every two weeks and somehow have managed to make that enough, would I be able to make it on disability? The only reason I'm considering it now is because, well I need more therapy. Like I need to be there every day instead of once a week, and for multiple hours during that day instead of once a week.
I don't know what else I'm asking... I don't even think I want to do this, no I know I don't want to, but things haven't gotten better and I don't know how I'm still here as it is (working) every day I walk in to work I'm expecting it to be my last day at work, that I have a complete melt down and end up fired or quitting.
I don't know what to do, or how I'm already doing it but it's hard
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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