Quote:
Originally Posted by alinaself
From I was 7 until was 11 I was sexually abused by my grandfather. It still upsets me and sometimes I find myself crying for very long periods, sometimes to the point that I am sick, but I have no one to go to. My parents don't know. my grandfather is dead, and they wouldn't believe me if I did tell them, it would only hurt them. A couple of my friends know, but I can't speak about it to people face to face. If I try to I just end up crying or shaking or stopping speaking altogether from an inability to speak any more
More than that, now I'm worried that I am becoming two separate people.
There is the me that everyone sees, and then there is the creature inside me. It frightens me.
Society expects certain things, but the thing inside me needs to scream for no reason and cry for the sake of it, needs to punch the wall until my fist bleeds and click my back and neck to the point where I feel it might break. I am part of this other thing, and it part of me, but it is not all me, I don't understand it and it feels so real, but I know it is not. help, I don't know what to do
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I feel similarly. I want to run, kick, scream, cry, swear, RAGE!!!!! esp at my aunt! I am having memories and I want to k*** a woman who is already dead! (not acting on feelings, but I identify with these feelings).
I am noticing that I explode from time to time because I don't know yet how to express my anger. I usually walk on the beach, but that's hard when I am sick and shut in.
From *day one* society expected me to be a good little saint and never even asked me if I had been abused; had to figure everything out myself and in lay support groups! Thank goodness for PC and support groups!
I identify, too, with feeling like 2 of me---rational, sensible Billi and this other "creature/monster".
thanks,
Billi