Since I first quit drinking through AA in 1980, I've counted the man who dragged me (several times) to meetings and took me home with him in between meetings as the second person in my life who was truly a friend.

I've had only three since Jamie, but I don't use the word casually. Four really--my husband was my soulmate, a being who includes friend and so much more. One I lost to death about a decade ago, and that leaves the two I have now.

My two RL friends are both terrific people whom I've known for over 20 years.
One has a huge extended family and I've become part of it. The other is married & her husband I have many interests in common.
They have lots of animals and I'm close to all of them--I care for their animals they care for mine which makes traveling easier for both of us.

Both of these friends are ace shoppers, so when I got home from my road trip Monday to discover my refrigerator kaput, I thought I had friends to call on.
One decided last week our friendship was too much work. We no longer speak. I had hoped that given the break we would be able to talk about things and pick up--but no, she was not even answering my calls.

I enjoyed great road trip with the other one this weekend--but she WILL NOT help me find a refrigerator ... if I didn't like something about it down the road, she explained, she couldn't handle the possibility that I might blame her. So she won't help me. Told me straight out, "You're on your own! Don't ask me for help!"

For the time being, I'm letting them bail on me. I don't even really feel abandoned. Considering the pain and aggravation they've given me lately, I can use a break from both of them.

I'm posting here not because I'm on the verge of drinking but this is a crisis for me. When I got sober I realize that friends was the great missing link in my life I have been completely alone. For this moment I'm alone again. By choice.

I don't plan to keep it this way. But I have a lot of thinking to do, about these friends and what's gone wrong. I'm doing a lot of crying. These are both friends, and I'm not inclined to let them go.

Of course I can't make them be friends--if they don't want to be. And maybe they don't want to be my friends anymore.

There are many tears, and they just don't stop.

Roadie