I need to talk. I feel really bad today. I feel incapable of healing.

I've been in t for 12 years. I've made alot of progress over time with less complex issues. But there are a couple of issues that i just can't seem to resolve. Every time we start getting too close, or too deep, into these issues in my sessions, i start having problems and can't cope. I don't seem to be able to handle much stress at all without getting anxious and forgetful. I get way overstimulated too easily by my emotions. I feel like my t is forever having to back off or slow down with me because i can't handle more. And I'm starting to wonder if i'm capable of healing these two issues.

Yesterday, i found myself cancelling my session because i just didn't feel capable of talking about what we've been working on lately. It's about how my SA affects me now. I'm a Christian and want so much to be clean in mind and body, but this is not clean. It makes me feel sick to talk about it. It makes me feel horrible about myself. My t wants me to understand this part of me and have compassion for it. But i feel the opposite. Yesterday, a couple of hours before my session, i got so anxious thinking about talking about it in my session that i felt sick to my stomach, and ended up canceling. I told my t I was sick, but i know it was my anxiety about my issues. This morning, i emailed her to tell her the truth about what happened and why i canceled. But i just feel like a failure.

One thing about me is that I NEVER cancel my sessions! I HATE missing a session and really struggle when my t goes away and i have to miss them. So it's a big deal that i felt bad enough yesterday to cancel.

I don't understand WHY this issue is bothering me so much. What i remember about my SA was not that bad, not bad enough for me to feel this afraid and reluctant to work on it. I don't remember all of it, but what i remember is not that horrible. However, the effects it has on me now feel pretty bad, and that is what i hate so much. And that is what i don't want to face or talk about.

If i truly can't handle it, isn't it best to just push it out of consciousness and not let myself dwell on it? Not try to look at it, understand it, and deal with it in therapy? Thinking or talking about it just seems to pull me down, make me anxious, and feel bad about myself.

I wonder if i should call therapy quits, accepting what i've accomplished, but acknowleding that in these couple of areas, i am just not capable of doing the work that would lead to healing?

Please help!