Thank you so much, TheBunnyWithin. I have read something similar before- that it is more exhausting to try to get others to take care of you, than to just take care of yourself. But the thought of being at T's mercy and having to be quiet and just hope is terrifying. I know that sounds dramatic but it's the only word that fits. I will be constantly having to bite back my words, afraid to ask for anything or afraid to say anything which could be construed as asking for anything. I feel like I will be in constant fear of not having what I need, constantly hoping, constantly having to deal with crashing disappointment. I feel like the only way I can cope with that is to shut myself off from the things I was getting from her, and to tell myself they are gone for good. That is better than just waiting and waiting and hoping and hoping that one day she will just randomly decide to do them.

My partner used to say that I didn't trust her, on some deep level, and I think the same is probably true with T too. I trust her to meet the needs which *I* identify and directly ask to be met, but I don't think I trust her to get it right on her own. For example, T and I sometimes have a hot drink together (if I ask) and occasionally have a snack together (at my initiation, and agreed in advance) if we're celebrating something in particular. These are both really meaningful for me- being able to look forward to them beforehand, enjoy them in the moment, and remember them afterwards. It feels very attuned to what I need at the time. But a couple of weeks ago, T randomly went out before my session and got us frozen yoghurt. I was highly distressed that week and wanted to talk about stuff that had been happening with my family and have space to grieve (she knew this). The yoghurt thing just felt so incongruous- T ate hers while I was talking about really emotional stuff, and mine melted into a puddle because I couldn't bring myself to eat what had previously been our 'party food' when I was grieving deeply. It's clear now that for T this was deeply meaningful, because she had done it off her own back rather than being asked. But for me it was jarring and a bit frightening. But I can't tell T this, because I don't want to hurt her (it was a really kind thing for her to do), and I know it would just reduce even further the chance that she'll ever do anything nice for me again, which I'm already so frightened about.