TRIGGER

My head is spinning right now I feel so confused. The irony of it all is killing me!!!

I'm just going to write out what's in my head and go from there....

T pulled into the parking lot at 10:30. I sat in the car for a couple minutes to 'get it together'. - and she called me from her office to tell me she was there.

When I went in to T's office and she looked calm and not unkempt like the previous week. She looked like she had herself pulled together.

She asked me how I was feeling. I told her uncomfortable. She asked why and I told her I didn't want to talk about it (I didn't feel like it would get me anywhere to tell her I was upset that she wasn't there and the door was locked). I did manage to ask her about the comment from last week "I'm not angry with you right now". When I asked her about it she said she doesn't remember saying that and can't imagine being angry with me.

I then told her I wanted to talk about my phone call at the beginning of the week. She then said: "what phone call"? I started reminding her about how I was upset and needed help so I called her and then she called me back. She then remembered and said what do you want to say about that? I told her I called her because I felt in desperation and I couldn't take the feeling of xyz anymore. I promised myself I would never let myself feel that way and yet I was feeling that way.

I told her about an abuse experience I had with no emotion attached and it felt odd about it. I think it was the most words I've ever used before.

I handed T a worksheet she gave me last week that goes over what trauma experiences I had at what ages and the intensity of those experiences on a scale from 1 - 10.

She said it feels to her like something about the process of therapy,or her, or the environment is uncomfortable for me. She asked me if I ever felt that way in therapy. I don't remember what I said but my answer to that is this: Therapy isn't comfortable however I have felt comfort with a therapist (T1 and marriage T) even being in the uncomfortable position to be talking about my feelings and doing the work.

I told T2 how I'm close to finding my abuser and how I'm going to write to him anonymously when I find him. She said she's not sure it's a good idea and asked me if I got the support from T1 on that decision. I told her yes but I never acted on doing the work to find him until now. I deserve to know where he lives.... and perhaps even anonymously contact authorities like the parole board if not the police. I haven't decided yet. (my guess is he's abusing children still. he got other children - 5 in one of my memories - involved in holding me against my will so he could do things to me - he abused the girls next door and who knows who else - i was age 5 or 6 at the time).

On the subject of emotion we started talking about ? - I can't remember right now what the emotion was we were talking about but I did tell her there was nothing tied to that emotion. I felt completely lost. I felt like I was in the middle of a dessert with nothing in sight but flat dry sand. No clues to be found. Just nothingness.

T and I did some valuable work to start working out positive and negative beliefs and how it's all tied to my experiences of CSA and emotional/physical abuse. That is the good that came out of it.....

HOWEVER

I don't know that it would be best to continue therapy with someone who seems inconsistent with how they conduct themselves. I don't know if I can trust her. I've never had to work this hard in therapy before with just being able to trust the therapist. I'm not sure this is a healthy therapeutic relationship.

At the end of my 10:30 appointment T2 said: See you next week at 10am. HUH??? I said "oh it's not at 1030?" She said "no it's at 10am". I said oh but you aren't you going to be on vacation next week?. T2: Yes I am on vacation I forgot. I'll see you at 10am in two weeks.

When I left I called my marriage T from the parking lot and left a message asking her if I could have a consult appointment with her next week. I need an opinion from someone who 'knows me' and help me come up with a list of what it is I need from a therapist and therapy.

I need consistency. Anything less than that is too scary.