So this might be long and confusing but I will do my best to explain the issue here. Anyways I've just been generally having a difficult time ever since I finally dropped out of college for good I've been trying to figure out what to do.

I mean so I wanted to get on SSI, but then I learned I may as well not even bother until I have an official diagnoses to speak of. So then the goal was to get to talk to someone who could diagnose......so I tried finding resources and eventually was able to get an intake appointment at a local mental health center. I was not too thrilled with the initial impression I got of the help they had to offer but I tried pushing that thought aside and was going to go to a follow up meeting thing by the end of the month or I had to do another intake appointment. I got overwhelmed feeling like in order to even get the diagnoses for the SSI I'd have to go through a bunch of nerve wracking interactions to even get there so I didn't go.

Well then yesterday my mom helped me with getting on this program to help people with low income get medical care so anyways I can I guess get a regular doctor and whatever...so I was thinking I'd do that and maybe get a referral to someone with the authority to assess and diagnose psychological disorders from that doctor rather than going through the mess it appeared I'd have to go through at that other place.

So anyways it was very difficult to get to the point I am at now where I feel maybe this new idea will work out just going through the regular doctor. But the issue is the relationship with my mom...I am living with her since I cannot afford to move out with no income. Also she says she wants to help, offered to help with paying for appointments and such which I do appreciate.....but it seems hard to avoid conflict. Like yesterday we ended up arguing and just like I was afraid of she started going on about how I'm not even following through or trying to find help even though I feel I have been trying as hard as I can to do just that as well as figure out what to do about having an income to survive on. So naturally it was very frusterating to me to have my mom refusing to acknowledge the things I just described above to go ranting about that. I think she finally got it through her head that I was trying....as for the rest of the argument I am sure some of what was discussed will come up in future arguments.

But its like I cannot very well get on without her help at this point in time she is the one providing me a place to live...and I cannot really afford to pay the co-pays even though they are really low with this healthcare thing I got on....but I cannot take that sort of criticism when I am already really stressed about all this and trying to figure out my life. I guess I just don't know how to keep things calm between me and her until I can get an income wether its SSI or if I can manage part time work...and then I'd potentially be able to find a different living situation with other family or friends.

I mean it seems like things go better between us when we aren't living in the same house. I mean can only control my symptoms and/or undesirable emotions and acting better than I feel for so long before I start getting irritable and then she takes it personally and acts like I am intentionally trying to snap at her or whatever. But then she snaps at people including me and she even yells at me and others and always has to make it about her. Like if I explain why I am on edge or in any other negative mood to get her to understand I am struggling with my problems and so I might come off that way but its not intentional and not about her.....but then she might come back with how stressed she is from being at work all day as if I should be able to just not show signs of not feeling great mentally because she had a long day at work and does not deserve it or whatever.' Obviously this upsets me because the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone mentally or physically so it actually freaks me out when she says that because I dont understand how I am treating her any way specific. But then if she's yelling at someone or snapping at someone because shes stressed and having a hard time managing it, she seems to think everyone should understand but then she refuses to understand if I cannot suppress how I feel and act happy or whatever.

Keep in mind though I do snap at people when on edge, like someone could open my door all the sudden and startle me and I might be like 'hey don't open my door so loud.' then I usually feel bad for saying it so bluntly but it almost feels like a reflex and I try to leave it at that and probably apologize.

I don't really yell much especially compared to my mom and her boyfriend...but when people keep pushing and pushing by being too critical or making a bunch of assumptions or yelling at me then yeah it gets a bit hard not to yell back....so yeah its like my mom will do that and then get mad at me for getting defensive. Well overwhelming someone who has PTSD, Depression and Anxiety with negative energy by yelling, making negative accusations and criticizing them for being too slow at figuring things out is a great way to make them defensive, so what does she expect?

Anyways we did settle it this time....she said she was sorry for stressing me out and whatever and it was all good. But I know it will probably happen again and it worries me.

I don't want an argument to escalate because I am afraid of getting too angry and saying stuff I don't mean or things I do mean but in some nasty blunt way or otherwise overreacting. I just dont know what to do since it seems me with my issues and her with her issues clash. And

So yeah sorry about the long post, this is a lot...I just am overwhelmed with it and don't know how to deal with any of it.