My life sucks, I suck, and all of life sucks. My life is like living in a box with no openings. I am always feeling the sides searching for an end to my torturous life. I have lost who I am, my personality, and soul. I live through life robotically, going thru the motions of life. I see no hope for me or life. I am feeling guilty for subjecting my five kids to this sentence of hell. I always had some sense of hope, but now I see no light at the end of my tunnel. I want to laugh, I want to hold my kids and actually feel love in my heart, I want to be motivated to help them learn to cope with negative thoughts and actions of others. But I cannot do those things I can't even keep my house clean feed my kids a proper meal, pay my bills, organize a shopping list. I am always moving but getting no where. I do not enjoy anything that I used to, I can't even enjoys tv or food. Everything is a struggle. I often picture how I would die, a slit of my wrist, driving my car into a tree or going through with my well thought out plan that includes a special tree and some pills. Right now I am enduring what i can. Maybe someday I will sucome to the pain and snap, leading me to a better place. Everyday I struggle with guilt of leaving my children to my loser ex or giving them to my dysfunctional family. I have other thoughts of protecting them but I am not sure I can take that step. I just wonder what I did to have a life that is so sad, hopeless, and not worth living. I see my daughter having a had time dealing within our home. I can't bear to see her or my other children go through the pain I have endured for years.