This might be a tad long because I want to give ya'll an accurate picture of my situation, but please bear with me It's a little bit of a vent, but a response or PM would really be appreciated, whether it's feedback or support.

I've been in therapy off and on since I was 11/12. My current T I've been seeing since I was 13, but I took a break for 1.5 years (all of junior year of high school, and half of senior year). I exhibit some symptoms of BPD and I also struggle with anxiety, depression, self-harm, and an eating disorder. Side note: I am horrible about transitions and change. I am also a perfectionist with incredibly high expectations for myself.

From a young age I never liked to leave the house for long periods of time. I particularly hate traveling and family vacations. Unless I'm the one driving the car, I get motion sickness. I am emetophobic (fear of vomit/vomiting). Motion sickness + emetophobia = PANIC! Staying overnight away from home is just as bad. I hate sleeping in a hotel or someone's house. All I can think about is how much I don't want to be there and how much I miss the comfort bubble that I call home.

This brings me to the MEAT of this thread: COLLEGE.

I graduated from high school in May of 2011. I was very unstable physically and mentally, but proceeded to go to college in August anyway (about 25 minutes away from my house). I was unable to cope with the change and moved home where I began commuting instead. Shortly before finishing out the first semester I was hospitalized (I have been hospitalized and in the emergency room before due to my mental health/eating disorder, so that wasn't new). I returned to school two weeks later, took my exams, and made it out alive with a 3.95 GPA (Surprised?! Me too).

I had been in individual therapy and group DBT every week, but my family and I decided it would be best if I went to a residential treatment program where they could hopefully get to the root of some of my issues, shed light on my childhood trauma, and help educate me on common core issues that lead people to behave/react and cope in certain ways.

I traveled (yes -you heard me- I TRAVELED ) all the way across the country for a little over a month where I had one of the best experiences of my entire life. It was the longest period of time I had ever been away from home.

I returned home, applied to a new college, got a part-time job, continued with my individual T, and graduated from group DBT. Go me!

Time flies and I am now a little over a week away from moving into my new school with a roommate I have never met in person. I don't know if ya'll have felt similarly, but there are times when I plan something, but it doesn't really occur to me that it will actually happen. This is one of those cases. As I stated in another thread, going to school is a huge financial investment, so I feel like I can't screw it up. This is triggering my fear of abandonment (though I know my parents aren't really "abandoning me." I just feel that way). The social aspect of having to put myself out there and make new friends is a scary thought. That is all in addition to my fear of travel and being away from home.

Sooooo, with all of that being said, my T and I have been working on school preparation since April. I have been working on my "plan" for how to be as successful as possible and push myself to my full potential, while managing my emotions in healthy ways. T has known about my plan for a while. Well, I was proud of myself for my plan until I felt as if it was totally shattered yesterday by my T

She kept on coming up with these "What If" scenarios: Allein, what if X happens? How are you going to react? What are you going to do about it? WHAT IF? WHAT IF? And so on..

She disagreed with many of the ideas I came up with. Confidence. Broken. I do know she was just trying to help and it was coming from a good place, but it still really freaked me out. Now I'm doubting myself. I'm doubting my plan. I'm doubting my ability to handle college...this major transition... this HUGE mountain I'm about to climb...in A LITTLE OVER A WEEK. I'm feeling a mixture of emotions ranging from anger to fear. There's a part of me that is a little excited and I'm trying to pull that part of me to the forefront in hopes that it will give me the boost I need to FACE MY FEARS AND CONQUER THIS BATTLE.

Thanks so much for listening

Support? Feedback? Can anyone relate?