(((geez))),

We are here, we are listening. Its ok if you don't quite know "how to feel" right now.
Try not to allow yourself to panick and instead give yourself permission to just let yourself set with this a bit. You are just having some emotional confusion, an that is actually normal when you begin to allow out some of the pent up anger.

((geez))) its ok, really, and if you need to vent here and write things out here you can too.

Ok, lets think about what anger is designed for ok? We have anger because what that emotion does is fill us with energy (power emotion) and it is really designed so that we can run, and even fight back. This is something you have tended to surpress because you didn't have a direction to expend it. But now it is coming out because you have been slowly allowing yourself to heal. What can you do with anger? Well, because it is a pushing energy emotion what you can do is "run" and burn it off geez.
You don't have to use it to defend right now, you can just take the energy it brings forward and use it other ways. Anger is meant to bring on a different kind of "heightened awareness" and what is happening right now is just that you simply don't know what to do with this kind of power surge.

So, it is perfectly fine to take this power surge and just burn it off geez. You don't have to "let it confuse you" when there is no one to use it against.

This is what you need to work on as emotions come forward and present the chemical response that gives your body the "fuel to respond". What you need to learn is that when you are not particularly in a "real" situation that requires "actual action" you are really just dealing with "an old situation" that is not happening now you just have to learn that you can develope ways to tell your body, oh, its ok "no emergency right now". This is something I am working on myself geez, so you are not alone ok?

You have been allowing anger to come out because you are finally gaining in your "healing" process. And some memories are coming forward and with that comes the emotions that you pushed away and you DID keep doing this for a long time.

But because you have PTSD what happens is that memories bubble to the surface and so do the emotions that match what your brain is recalling. So what happens if often the "emotions" just pop up first and can take you by surprise. So, what you have to learn is that when that happens you have to learn to let that wave of emotion happen, "observe" and then work on calming down and saying, this is what I am remembering and this is how I reacted and so I have to be aware of how they connect and that it doesn't mean I need to act on the emotions "now" or even be alarmed at the emotions when they bubble up.

geez, I know this is strange because usually we experience this when we feel a danger or problem in the present. This is what can lead to feeling, wow, what is happening to me it is scary and we can unknowingly "feed into and add to the chemical reaction that is already taking place".

So with anger coming forward, and the chemicals that produce "energy", you have to learn, it is ok, it is just me reacting to a memory or past experience that I am now allowing myself to feel angry about. So, I can just find something to do to burn off this extra energy coming forward. I can also just shout out or punch a pillow and release the anger until that reaction burns away and passes. Because geez, it "will" pass.

This is what is interwined with the T2 experience. She triggered you and it hit a deep nerve or reminder of "someone disrespecting your personal space". And you truely felt "disrespected and unheard". Unfortunately she didn't pick up on this, and that made you even more angry and even questioned her overall respect for you as a patient.

geez, I struggle with this myself and it "is" work to understand what this means. And this is also a challenge because often "other people" don't see this deep struggle, which in turn makes it even more of a challenge.

I have discribed it as an exposed wound that is very sensitive and anyone brushing up against it "truely aggrivates it and can set it off". Half the battle is "you recognizing it as well" so you can begin to work on it and slowly, consciously, calm it down and learn to control it. It sounds easy but it isn't and as I mentioned, it is important that other people, at least a T, can see it too and respect it and help you work on it where both you and the T feel safe to do so.

So, geez, just letting you know, "I hear you", and also to let you know, "you CAN learn to work this out on your own and not be so confused by it"

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes