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special_k said:
i really have been sick though. horrible sick. felt really very horrible. runny eyes and runny nose and then sore throat and horrible runny throat. not pleasant at all. stress was the last straw, i guess. ... i think there is this grad student phenomena 'i am a fraud and pretty soon they will figure that out!'. ... put my fears aside and just damn well do it. in my own best interests really. if i do it and she thinks it is crap or it doesn't work out. oh well. ...

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Hey,
Funny, I woke up at around 4 a.m., but I didn't know why. Maybe I "heard" your post.

I'm sorry you haven't been feeling well. It sounds miserable. I hope you're taking good care. You know the drill...drink plenty of fluids, get plenty of rest, etc.

And oh yes, I do know the writing avoidance thing. I think I'm the queen of it. I've avoided so darned long, I'm not even aware much anymore (in the moment) that whatever else I'm doing is a distraction from writing anxiety. I just shift into distraction and avoidance mode without any kind of awareness of the feeling or the moment. But hey, just that I admit that is good, right? Awareness is the first step, and it's a biggie!

About the "fraud" thing. That's a real phenomenon, particularly among women, not just in grad school. It's "the imposter syndrome". I get it. It's not pretty. For some, it can lead to working so darned hard to "prove yourself" and "not be found out." For others, it becomes almost a paralysis--you avoid doing stuff so that no one can find any "proof". If you don't have work out there, no one can notice that's it's not up to par...something like that. I fall into the latter category. I don't mind verbally expressing my thoughts and what I know. I guess because verbally I figure it will sort of float away like a wisp of smoke. But if I write it down...well that's something different entirely! That means someone could (gasp!) READ IT! And it feels a lot more permanent and significant .

See what we do to ourselves? I get mad at myself when I realize how much of my cognitive and emotional energy I spend throwing all this junk into the mix. I'm trying to work on keeping it simple. It is what it is, and it's not what it's not kind of stuff. Work in progress, though.

We ought to form a support group.

Take care,

gg