I have suspected for a long time that one or both of my parents s*x*ally ab*s*d me. Just a gut feeling. That didn't make much sense for a long time since I have a good, friendly relationship with them even now.
I have been working towards figuring out who abused me because I have been unable to be sexual in any way for months and months now. And this is a problem for me and my extremely patient husband!
So, I found out from one of my alters that I needed to have a plan as to what I would do when I found out for sure (to make sure that I could keep everyone inside safe). I did that, even coming up with a confrontation plan that I would use if I had to. So, the very next morning after making the plan, I met "Marlene" for the first time and she told me it was my father. It wasn't a surprise since I had already put together a list of my triggers and it strongly suggested a male who had access to my bedroom. She didn't give me any details, which I appreciate. All this happened yesterday.
The problem is this--I feel absolutely nothing. I am numb. It is a different feeling from being depressed. When I'm with my 2 yo dd, I am able to have fun and feel happy and take care of her. When she is asleep or playing with my husband, I go back to feeling numb. Last night when everyone was asleep except me, I felt numb. I can't even feel sad for the little girl who had this happen to her. What is wrong with me? Am I some kind of a monster that I don't even feel sad for someone who was abused repeatedly by her father?
All the voices inside have been very quiet for the most part. One of my older alters who is kind and takes care of me and the littles told me last night that everyone is staying quiet to help me and she is taking care of everyone in the safe room. While that makes me feel better, I feel so alone because no one is talking to me (inside).
Elizabeth